Mama

As I wrote in my last post, my Mom seemed to know things about me that I didn’t even know myself. Even at my worst, she stood by me and supported me. Even when it came out that I was gay and my father went into denial (to which he is still in), she stood by me. I wrote this song which was intended to be played in a 12 bar blues kind of flavor for her, but I couldn’t get it 100% right cuz I really can’t sing well. So, I gave it to her as a poem. It’s called Mama.

Oh, and this picture? I know it is the "Death of Hyacycnthus" and doesn't have anything to do with a Mom, but I liked the pic and thought that in some ways it does represent unconditional love.

Mama, you always make things turn out right
Mama, you shine like the morning light
Mama, you always hold me oh so tight
And Mama, you always make the day seem bright
You’re always there for me, my Mama

We’re all older than we used to be
A little grayer than we’d like to be
Wrinkles line our face for all to see
But little things don’t matter for you and me
Because Mama, we’re more than meets the eye
We’re also the best of friends you and I

Together now for a long long time
Always loving, never questioning why
You’re always there for me
I love you my Mama

When I knew

Well, it is almost midnight, I am lying in bed (alone), listening to Ryan Huston and thinking about the book I just finished reading called, “When I Knew”. It is a compilation of very short stories written by famous people when they first discovered they were gay. It is pretty funny and I highly recommend it to anybody. But, it made me think, “When did I first know?”
I think my Mom first knew something was up very early on. We were taking a family vacation cross country to visit relatives. It was one of those typical family vacations; a family of five loaded into a ’64 Lincoln Continental Convertible with suicide doors and sky blue interior. It really was a fabulous car especially driving through rural Tennessee where we got all kinds of looks with all of us wearing sunglasses and sporting the California plates.
We stopped for a bathroom break at a small town general store and there they were! The most awesome pair of bright red leather shoes and I had to have them. They were fabulous and very close to the shoes Dorothy wore. I threw a major tantrum (mind you I was like 4) and ended up getting them. I just knew I would be the envy of every sensible boy on this side of the country. I wore them constantly. From then on, I am told, I always had to have my clothes just right. By 6 I decided I preferred French cuffs over the standard ones and my belt and shoes always had to match. Yeah, Mom figured it early on, but I still had no clue; I mean, wasn’t every boy like this?
A few years later, when I was about 8, I discovered the boy down the street. His name was Donny. We played many of the games that boys of that age play and we even included his little sister at times. One day we found ourselves playing “Dare” – we didn’t care about truth much, we just wanted to dare each other to do things. It wasn’t much longer before we were pulling down our pants and looking at each other. For me, I had no eyes for his sister who was playing right along with us. I had eyes only for Donny.
By this time I started to realize that I had to keep some of my opinions to myself. I still made sure I looked good before I went to school, but not so much that I would stand out and get teased. I still didn’t know I was gay per say, I just knew I was different.
By 10 or 11, I knew I liked boys. It wasn’t long before I could figure out who the other boys were like me. They weren’t always the stereo typical fem, non-athletic boys; it was just a gut feeling I would get and I learned to trust it. I knew. I still had no name for it, but I knew.

Just some thoughts before I go to bed

Names

When I started this blog, I used the name Eirik; it is a nickname I have had for several years. I use it because that the people that tend to use that name with me, really know me. They are the ones that have seen me cry; seen me passed out; when I woke up in the hospital, they were the ones that I saw by my bed with my parents; they are the ones that know I am gay and the ones that have stood by me. They tease me for having "guitar or bass face" when I get lost into the music when playing a song - These are the people that know me as Eirik.

Over the years, I have had many different nick names. My real name is Mike Smith (how cliche and not fabulous), so with a name like that I have been called Mikey, (not cool) Mike, Michael and Smitty (all played out IMHO). So, it was with no thought that I used the name Eirik since I wanted to put down thoughts, feelings and ramblings that I would impart to those that know me best or would maybe like to get to know better.

Tough Times

Today I was talking with a great friend that is going through some serious shit right now and I got to admit I am very proud of him and how he is handleing it. Sometimes it is hard to see "The light at the end of the tunnel." I for one, just a year and a half ago had a bit of a surgery that changed my entire life, and like my friend, I had to look real hard to find that perverbial light. I ended up having to "retire" (sounds better than quit) from riding motocross, from competing in Judo and for the first six months after the surgery, left me wondering if I was even going to be able to walk on my own. My hands didn't work great in the beginning either and for the longest time I couldn't even look at my guitars for fear that I couldn't even do that!

Well, I worked hard at keeping a good attitude, I did my therapy and pushed myself - now, a year and a half later, I run every day, play in a band and I have a much healthier respect for things I once took for granted. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel although sometimes it is hard to see.

I bring this up to in some small way, to tell my friend, "Hang in there!" and for anyone else that is going through some crisis, be it small or large to do the same.

Now, if I could only apply this thinking to my sex life!!

Home and Home

This picture (left) is a view from my home I live at now. It is a big difference from where I used to live. As you can imagine, I went through quite the culture shock when I first got here.

This is a picture taken about 5 minutes away from my old home in Southern California. I used to spend many mornings on "Dawn Patrol" surfing these waves and stripping down to just a towel right on the road in order to change to go home and then to work.

Thinking

Being kind of new to this blogging thing I find it kind of surreal. You put stuff out into this vast space which is kind of like tossing a grain of sand onto a beach and then wonder if someone will walk by and notice it amongst all the other grains. Does it get picked up, glanced at and then tossed away? Or does it get studied? I am sure, for the most part, people walk on by without a notice. Just a thought.

I was also wondering why is it as a gay man it seems that we have to announce that we are gay? I mean heterosexuals don't have to declare their sexuality. If you go to a straight guys blog, generally speaking you wont see him announce, "I am a straight man living in,......blah blah blah". It isn't like I am ashamed of my sexuality, I guess I just wonder at the hypocrisy of it all.

Your thoughts are welcome!

Poem - Alone

I was standing alone,
Me against the world,
Naked and unprotected,
Just trying to survive.

Out of balance,
I was seeking something,
Waiting for the unknown.

Then, out of a crowd,
Came a smile,
A gesture;
A hand offered in friendship,
A friend to be the best.

But, I game had to be played,
With rules that change from day to day;
From person to person.

I stumble, I fall, again and again,
And the hand remains to help me back up,
With the claim of the best still standing.

Yet perceptions sometimes contradict,
But committed I stay,
I give it my all, I gave my heart,
Offered my soul,
Only one path is open,
Forward into the unknown.

No directions,
No experience,
I cling to my friend,
Afraid to let go.

He carries me;
I'd carry him.

Many unspoken words between us,
Many emotions un-shared,
Still I hold on,
Basking in his strength,
But wincing at his rebukes.

It's all for the better.
Life gets complicated sometimes,
But I'm no longer alone.
Or am I?

Wake me, wake me I'm dreaming.
Sheets are wet, skin is steaming;
Tossing and turning,
My body is yearning,
For what's beyond reaching.
Visions of you assault me;
Wake me, I can't take the pain,
I'm dreaming of you again.

Just another foolish dream;
A blissfull fantasy,
A montary escape,
From a painful reality.

All alone in my bed,
Pictures of you racking my head,
Dreaming of you,
Dreaming of you again.

Moving Too Fast

Moving too fast,
Yet, afraid to move at all.
Possibilities arise,
Or, are they just unchecked fantasies?

Desperate desires and,
Fears of getting too close,
Cloud my thinking.
A storm is brewing.

Play it cool;
Don’t slip – watch the risk.

Beautiful eyes;
Smiling, shining
Predator eyes;
Watching, waiting.

Hidden fantasies die with unspoken words.

Waiting eagerly for each shared moment,
And what is yet to be discovered.

Waves crash on the beach,
Bringing doubt and hope,
Swirling together in the sand;
Only to be drawn back into the waiting sea.
Leaving nothing;
Loneliness,
Emptiness.

Can’t cry – Don’t try.
Fall back inside.
Put on the mask.

Moving too fast,
Can’t see the signs,
The twists, the turns.

It’s raining now,
A storm is here.
Feel the power.

Feelings rage with the wind.
Shoved to the back,
Closed in the closet,
Hidden for none to see.
Hope lingers.

It truly is a world of misery.
We should be happy and free.
Do you feel me?

I wish I could say,
All the things in my head,
Forever going ’round,
Never getting’ said.
And, with every passing day,
My love just grows more.

I can feel your stares;
I hear the unspoken messages.
But, I don’t know what they mean.
I can’t help but wonder;
What are you thinking?
What are you feeling?
Do you feel as I?
What lies behind those eyes?
Do you have scars deep inside?

Show me that smile;
Stay with me,
Just a little while.

A dog chases his tail,
Forever going ’round,
Getting dizzy – falling down.

Why can’t we control our dreams?

Waiting again.
For what, I don’t know.
It’s not your fault.
I’m such a mess,
I just wish,
I could care,
A little less.

Longing for your presence;
For your touch I so rarely feel,
For your love I wish was real.

Maybe in another place,
In another time,
With no one watching,
No one judging;
Things could be different
Speed might not matter.

Reality sets in;
Like a bugs ass against a windshield;
Back to this world,
This moment,
This reality,
A reality of confusion,
Delusions and subterfugions;
Where hot and cold run back to back;
Changing without warning,
Leaving me hanging
On faith and half-said things,
Imagination dominating,
Taking off on flapping wings.

Fear has become my friend,
Talking to me every day.
Gripping my tongue;
Stopping me from expressing how I feel;
Stronger than the eyes that watch;
Stronger than the ones that judge.
Left Ignorant,
Not knowing;
Your mask in place.

Moving too fast,
Or not moving fast enough.
Maybe I’m on the wrong road altogether;
Maybe you’re just hiding;
Hiding from the eyes,
Hiding from your self.

You are beautiful.
A small flower in a field of weeds;
Enticing with your necter,
Driven by instinct,
Me the bee.

What to do?
What to do?

Move mountains.
Words issue forth from tender lips,
Actions are tendered;
Not what’s expected;
Not what was said.
The storm is raging,
It is cold – bundle up.
But still, the chill wind will find it’s way in.

I’m at a loss.
The pendulum swings.
Games are played;
Rules are random,
And I can’t stay away.

Dinner is served;
All is forgiven.
The game plays on.
Pressure is building,
No release in sight.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder;
Bullshit!
Absence makes the heart grow lonely.

There is no love;
Lost years ago,
Unable to penetrate the mask.
Speed never mattered;
We never left.

Respect compassion & pain

Why is it so many demand respect,
But refuse to give it?
Demand compassion,
But relish in the pain of others?

Did I miss something?
They live with their hand out,
Expecting to have everything handed to them.
These same people do nothing,
Have done nothing,
And, will more than likely never do anything to deserve the things they demand
Solely for their self perceived efforts.

Give freely or they’ll take it from you,
Simply because they exist.
Don’t dream,
They’ll take that too.

They lecture on right and wrong,
Lecture on Good and bad,
Expound on the virtues of Honor,
Yet, they know nothing of the concept.

Self righteously they seek the truth,
Only to condemn the messenger,
And reel back in disbelief at his words.

“How dare he speak the truth!”

Indignation and hate fill their eyes.
Fake smiles crease their faces,
The plotting ensues.

They are living examples of the sins they accuse,
They take hard and give light,
They set a standard that they refuse to live.

Give up or give in,
Take me away

Just who are these people?
More importantly,
Why?

Poem - Blissfully Unaware

I don’t want the truth – all I want are lies,
Pretty green fields beautiful blue skies.
Tell me that you love me; tell me that you care,
Make me a believer; completely unaware,
Cuz I’m walkin’ in the dark; afraid of the light,
Grateful I can’t see; hiding in the night.

I see what I want; pictures in my head,
Butterflies surround me, whisper what you said.
You’re playin’ a game; not caring for rules,
Lie and keep me happy, play me the fool.
I’m convinced that you love me; convinced that you care,
I’m a believer, blissfully unaware.

Talking behind my back; Lying to my face,
You’re good at this game; you’re mask in place.
I haven’t got a clue; I don’t give a damn,
I’m fucking happy – really I am.
Doesn’t matter if you love me; don’t matter if you care,
Cuz I’m a believer; Blissfully unaware.

Political Rant

I am so sick of all this shit about Healthcare Reform. I have listened to both sides and must confess I am confused by the out-right lies I am hearing from the DNC. I haven’t heard one Republican say they were against “Healthcare Reform”. What they have said is that they are against this particular bill that is being pushed through and rammed down our throats.
Do you realize that Obama spent more time picking out a dog than they are spending on getting this reform done? Isn’t something as important as this, deserve to be done right rather than saving the pride of the man that made a promise he can’t keep?
It has gotten so bad, that the White House is actually telling people to e-mail them if you see something “fishy”. Wow, that is crazy! We are still in America aren’t we? Are we next going to have little Hitler Youth (or would it be Obama Youth) reporting on their parents? Maybe next we will set up Gulags to send these individuals that actually dared to use their rights that our fore-fathers fought and died for. Don’t laugh, it has happened before. Not here, but it could.
Being a Veteran and having family members that are actively serving or have served honorably in literally every conflict going back to the Revolutionary War, I find this taking away of our Rights quite offensive. Not only are they being taken away, some are actively trying to give them away.
Some people say that the rich should “disperse” their wealth. Why? Where were these people when I was working two jobs while I worked my way through college? I didn’t get special entitlements. Now that I am working, paying taxes on things I didn’t vote for or agree with, why should I give up what I worked very hard for to individuals that feel they are entitled to the profits of my hard work?
And for those of you that feel that our healthcare is expensive, you are right. Does it need improvement? Yes. But if you want the best healthcare you don’t go to England, Canada or wherever; you come here. You see, if you want a Rolls Royce, you can’t expect to pay the price of a Kia. Personally, I am grateful I’m in America – I have a primary brain tumor and they acted on it right away. It probably saved my life. If I was somewhere else, chances are I would still be waiting for my first MRI or worse; I would be lying in my state issued coffin waiting for Comrade Grave Digger to find the People’s shovel to dig my grave.
C’mon people – wake up! If it looks too good to be true, chances are, it isn’t true.
For you Socialist’s out there; please, feel free to report this information to the White House like a good little Party member. But remember, when you do, they get all your information too! Big Brother is watching.

Poem - Lay Next to Me

Lay next to me,
Blink my pain away,
Kiss my pain away,
Drink my pain away,
Nothing lasts forever,
Nothing stays the same.

Can’t forget your face,
No one else seems right,
Your eyes still burn my soul,
How I loved you,
It’s too late to cry.

Never ending, Inside out,
Outside in,
Been stung,
Been shunned,
Been run hard and put away wet,
No plans, nothing set,
Eyes drift,
From face to face,
From ass to ass,
Nothing’s sacred,
Nothing’s safe,
Die tomorrow,
Die today,
Doesn’t really matter,
Big Picture stays the same.

Depression,
Medication,
Depression medication,
Medicate the depression
All stays the same.

Nothing changes,
Nothing stays the same,
It’s all the same to me.

Anger Management,
Management causes the anger,
Medicate the management.

Cleaned up,
Scrubbed up,
All washed up,
Blink the pain away,
Kiss the pain away,
Drink the pain away,
Tears blur,
Lips moisten,
Words slur,
Nothing lasts forever,
Nothing stays the same,
How I loved you,
Nothing changes,
Nothing stays the same.