Some of you may know already, but every now and then I dabble in some song lyrics and poetry. This is one that I have been working on lately and I am sure it only makes sense to me. Now if I can get the bass line down for it I'd be cool.
In fields where nothing grew but weeds, I found a flower at my feet, bending there in my direction. I wrapped a hand around its stem and pulled until the roots gave in, finding there what I've been missing. And I know....
So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong. There's a point we pass from which we can't return. I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...
All because of you, I haven't slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean; reaching for the shore where I can lay my head down. I'll follow your voice; all you have to do is shout it out!
Inside my hands the petals browned; Dried up falling to the ground, Was it was already too late? I pushed my fingers into the earth, Returned this flower to the dirt; So it could maybe live & I walked away. But I know...
Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn. There's a point we pass from which we can't return. I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...
All because of you, I haven't slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean; reaching for the shore where I can lay my head down. I'll follow your voice; all you have to do is shout it out!
All because of you. All because of you.
All because of you, I haven't slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean; reaching for the shore where I can lay my head down. Inside these arms of yours.
All because of you I believe in angels. Not the kind with wings, Not the kind with halos; The kind that bring you home when home becomes a strange place. I'll follow your voice; all you have to do is shout it out!
I just saw this story and was amazed. The way my brain works, I apply stuff like this to my life and what is around me. After seeing this, I almost feel that sometimes we screw ourselves by "knowing" the difficulties behind something. Check out this story;
Okay, so I admit I have been a bit out of it as of late; Maybe I have been more than slightly selfish in my not caring about “Political correctness”; I may have even been blatantly callous in my lack of attention to others about their personal feelings of being left out or being offended at my actions in regards to the holidays. Did I miss something? When did we get so sensitive? So, what am I getting at you may wonder? Well a while back I was e-mailed something I thought was a joke. Upon further research I found out this shit was real!
Check this out:
A Festivus Pole? C’mon Guys!! Really? Have we become so fucking politically correct that we can’t have a Christmas tree? Or say “Merry Christmas” and if YOU don’t celebrate Christmas YOU actually become offended at the statement or the sight of a Christmas tree rather than understand the thought and feeling behind it? WTF? I find it ironic that these are usually same people that get offended are usually the ones that forget that people have fought and died for the right to practice, display and hold whatever religeous belief you want. It is like compassion; everyone wants it, but few give it. Or, Respect for that matter; everyone wants their religion respected, but few want to respect other’s beliefs or practices. Why is that?
Well, here is a list of Christmas Wishes and non Christmas wishes from around the world. I hope that no one is left out. If anyone can explain this phenom, I would really appreciate it.
Christmas Wishes (Non-English) • Mīlād Majīd ميلاد مجيد - Arabic for "Merry Christmas" as used in Lebanon and several other countries • Bon Nadal - Catalan for Happy Christmas • Bon Carnaval - A French, Creole, or Cajun carnival greeting often used for Mardi Gras. • Sretan Božić - Croatian for Happy Christmas • Veselé Vánoce a šťastný nový rok - Czech language, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" • Glædelig jul - Danish • God jul - Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, lit. "Good Yule" • Vrolijk Kerstfeest en Gelukkig Nieuwjaar - Dutch, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" • Häid jõule - Estonian • Maligayang Pasko - Filipino word, a Common Christmas Greeting in the Philippines which was Merry Christmas in English Translation. • Hyvää joulua - Finnish • Joyeux Noël - French for "Happy Christmas" used in France, French Canada, Belgium, Luxembourg, Louisiana, Switzerland, the Lebanon and Francophone Africa • Frohe Weihnachten/Fröhliche Weihnachten - German for Merry Christmas • Kala Christouyenna - Greek for Merry Christmas • Selamat Natal: "Christmas best wishes" Indonesian • Buon Natale - Italian for Happy Christmas • Boldog karácsonyt/Kellemes karácsonyi ünnepeket : Merry Christmas/Pleasant Christmas Holidays in Hungarian • Nollaig Shona Duit - Ireland, (Irish Language), Gaeilge, lit. "You have a happy Christmas". • Linksmų Šv. Kalėdų ir Naujųjų Metų - Lithuanian "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" • Среќен Божиќ, (Sreḱen Božiḱ) - Macedonian for Happy Christmas • Il-Milied u s-Sena t-Tajba - Malta - "Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year" • کریسمس مبارک - Persian "Merry Christmas" • Crăciun Fericit! Romanian for Merry Christmas • S'Rozhdestvom Kristovym! (С Рождеством Христовым!) or, more commonly, simply S Rozhdestvom! for the informal Christmas greeting, while the traditional religious greeting is Khrystos razhdayetsya! (Христос рождается, meaning "Christ is born!") and the traditional response is Slavite! (Cлавите!, meaning "Let us glorify him!"). • "Христос се роди!" answer: "Воистину се роди!" or: "Srećan Božić" (Serbian) "Merry Christmas" • Veselé Vianoce a Šťastný Nový rok - Slovak language, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" • Feliz Navidad - Castilian lit. "Happy Nativity" • Mutlu Noeller - Turkish - "Happy Christmas" • Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda - Wales (by Welsh speakers), "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" • Gëzuar Krishtëlindjen dhe Vitin e Ri - Albanian, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"
Non-English, Non-Christmas • Geseënde Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige nuwe jaar - Blessed Christmas and a prosperous New Year - Afrikaans speaking South Africans • Kull 'ām wa 'antum bikhair كل عام وأنتم بخير - Arabic for "May every year find you (plural) in good health" • 'A'yād Sa'īdah أعياد سعيدة - Arabic for "Happy Holidays" • Īd mubārak عيد مبارك - Arabic for "Blessed Eid" is used to greet at the end of Ramadan on Eid ul-Fitr • Taqabbala Allāhu minnā wa minkum تقبل الله منا ومنكم - Arabic for "May God accept from us, and from you" • 'Īd sa‘īd عيد سعيد - Arabic for "Happy Eid" or "Happy Holiday" • Ramaḍān Karīm رمضان كريم - Arabic for "Blessed Ramadan" is used to greet at the beginning of Ramadan • Prettige Kerstdagen en een gelukkig nieuwjaar - Dutch • Jour de l'An- French for Happy New Year used in French Canada • Joyeuses Fêtes - French for Happy Holidays used in French Canada • Boas Festas - Galician for Happy Holidays • Kales yortes Greek for Happy Holidays • Mele Kalikimaka - Hawaiian, is preferred over the traditional American "Merry Christmas" in the U.S. state of Hawaii; made popular worldwide by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters in 1950 in song • Gmar Chatimah Tovah ("May you be sealed for good") or Tzom Kal ("Have an easy fast") - solemn greetings for Yom Kippur. • Mo-ād-īm L'sim-chā מועדים לשמחה - Hebrew language for "Happy Holidays" is the proper greeting for the Jewish Pilgrimage Festivals (Passover, Shavuot, Sukkot). The response is "Chāg-īm Uz'mān-īm L'sā-son חגים וזמנים לששון" • L'Shanah Tovah - Hebrew, Lit. "a good year". Common greeting during Rosh Hashanah and Days of Awe. It is derived from L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem, lit. "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year". • Chag Sameach - Hebrew for "Joyous festival", used for most Jewish festivals. • Mohon maaf lahir dan batin: Please forgive my trespasses (sins) Indonesian • Selamat Tahun Baru: "Happy New Year" Indonesian • Selamat Hari Raya, Selamat Idul Fitri or Salam Aidilfitri - Indonesia and Malaysia • Buone Feste - Italian for Happy Holidays • 明けましておめでとうございます。(Akemashite Omedetō-gozaimasu.), in Japanese, literally: "Opening congratulations." but is used as "Happy New Year." • 새해 복 많이 받으세요 Saehae Bok Mani baduseyo - Korean "Happy New Year" • Kellemes húsvéti ünnepeket: Pleasant Easter Holidays-- in Hungarian(Magyar) • maaf zahir dan batin - Malaysian Lit. "Forgive my physical and emotional (wrongdoings)" • gōng xǐ fā cái - Chinese (Mandarin), "Congratulations and Prosperity" • "Шинэ жилийн мэнд хүргэе" Shini jiliin mend hurgie, -Mongolian,- Happy New Year • Shin Jileen Mend Khurgey - Mongolian for Happy New Year • Wesołych Świąt - Polish greeting used before Christmas (literally 'Happy Holidays'). • Feliz Natal - Portuguese for Happy Christmas • Boas Festas - Portuguese for Happy Holidays • С Новым Годом (S Novim Godom) - Russian, - Happy New Year Lit. "With a New Year" • Felices Fiestas - Castilian for Happy Holidays • Habari Gani - Swahili for "What's the news?" is the daily greeting for each of the seven days of Kwanzaa. • Yeni yılınız kutlu olsun - Turkish - "Happy New Year" • Phát tài phát lộc Tấn tài tấn lộc - Vietnamese language, "Luck and Prosperity" • Chúc mừng năm mới - Vietnamese language, "Celebrate the New Year" • Joyous Yule - Usually a Wiccan or Neopagan greeting for the Winter solstice • Gut Yontiff - Yiddish for "good holiday" used for non festival holidays. • Vạn sự như ý - Vietnamese language, "All things are as expected"
I love this time of the year. Sure it can be a pain in the ass with all the people that forget the "spitit" of things, the people that get offended at the sight of a Christmas tree, or want to cut you off in the parking lot so they might park their fat ass 20 feet closer to the door of the mall, but if you don't get caught up in the Black Friday rush or or buy into the hype that Walmart pushes to get your Christmas stuff up now!, it really is a nice time. Especially if we keep in mind what the various days actually represent regardless of your belief structure.
Where I live, we get beautiful fall colors and as we move towrds winter, the colors fade to the various shades of gray with bright blue skies coming into play. It is fabulous! It is almost impossible to look around and not be thankful. For me, having made it through my second brain surgery (with no residual side effects! woot!!) I can't help but be thankful almost everyday despite the crap that happens to all of us. Life is good.
Below, I have posted two artist doing te same song. I really like this song and it translates to how I feel. I like both versions and must admit, love playing them too. Enjoy!
Well, I just got bcak from OHSU last night and I wanted to thank you guys for the good thoughts, prayers and well wishes. They seemed to have paid off. I made it through the surgery (with a real bad hair cut) and I am having minimum to zero side effects from them fella's messin' with my brain with an ice cream scoop and a set of ginsu knives.I guess they got (they hope) the bulk of the tumor, but with these kinds of things, you just never know, but hey - it is all part of the gig and sometimes you have to roll with the punches; know what I mean? I figure there are people out there with it way worse than me, so I just try to keep them in my prayers to keep things in perspective.
I have much to blog about, rant about and laugh about, so hopefully, I will be on more often.
Thanks again guys - love you all more than you know.
For those of you that want to see, here are some pics the day after the surgery. Also there is a pic of one of the slices of the pre-op MRI scan.
Sorry I haven't been around as of late; I have been going through some stuff that has taken much of my time and energy. For some that have read some of my past posts may know, I have a brain tumor. No big; almost two years ago they peeled my scalp, took out the Makita hole saw, drilled a big ass hole in my skull and scooped most of the bad stuff out. The screwed and superglued me back together and for the last two years I have been doing very well. You can't even really see the scar. Physically, I am great. I swim 1000 to 1500 meters almost every morning and run 3 or 4 miles a day as well. It took me a while to get back to that after the surgery, but I did because I never gave up.
A week ago or so, I went in to get my quarterly check up and MRI. Up to that point the week was going great - I actually got hit on by two very hot guys and that really made me feel good. But, when I got the results from my MRI I found that I had a new "spot" that is showing bad signs. Bad enough that come Monday I will be back in the Hospital and on Wednesday I will be getting my head popped open again. I guess it is all part of the gig - what are you going to do? Give up? I can't do that, but I can be frustrated. But you know I have to be thankful that my Docs are doing all those extra tests on me - the ones that the government say are not needed and causing the cost of healthcare to go up. Yeah, those. Because of those test, they caught this early and they may be able to nip it in the bud and quite litterally save my life.
In the mean time, you may not hear from me for a bit and I will ask forgiveness in advance if any of my posts in the near future come off negative or in rants - the drugs they put you on for this sort of thing do funny things to you for a while. But again, it is all part of the gig.
I hope to "see" you all again real soon and whatever you do or are going through, keep your chin up and don't give up. It could always be worse.
Hugs
Friday, October 16, 2009
Last night I went to bed regretting some of the relationships I have been in. I was thinking what a freaking' waste of time. I mean, what was the worth of it all? I guess I was feeling sorry for myself and a bit lonely - who knows?
When I woke up this morning and was getting ready for my run, I decided to put in some Janis Joplin. Some of you may not know who she is, its cool, she was even before my time. But as a musician, I learned about her and really dig her.
Like many of us, she had a lot of shit going on in her life and just didn't know how to deal with it. She was in a lot of pain and expressed it through her music. She showed us that we are never alone in our pains.
Here is one of my favorite songs by her. I hope you enjoy it.
In this world, if you read the papers, lord, You know everybody's fighting on with each other. You got no one you can count on, baby, Not even your own brother. So if someone comes along, He's gonna give you some love and affection I'd say get it while you can, yeah! Honey, get it while you can, Hey, hey, get it while you can, Don't you turn your back on love, no, no!
Don't you know when you're loving anybody, baby, You're taking a gamble on a little sorrow, But then who cares, baby, 'cause we may not be here tomorrow, no. And if anybody should come along, He gonna give you any love and affection, I'd say get it while you can, yeah! Hey, hey, get it while you can, Hey, hey, get it while you can. Don't you turn your back on love, No no no, no no no no no.
Oh, get it while you can, Honey get it when you're gonna wanna need it dear, yeah yeah, Hey hey, get it while you can, Don't you turn your back on love, No no no, no no no no, get it while you can, I said hold on to somebody when you get a little lonely, dear, Hey hey, hold on to that man's heart, Yeah, get it, want it, hold it, need it, Get it, want it, need it, hold it, Get it while you can, yeah, Honey get it while you can, baby, yeah, Hey hey, get it while you can!
Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I have been kind of lurking and doing a lot of reading of other's blogs and getting to know many of you that way. So far I have been very impressed with what many of you have to say.
Anyway, a friend sent me this video and I laughed my ass off. I thought I would share it and I was wondering how this would go over in a modern flick!
Monday, September 28, 2009
I was reading through some e-mail the other day this is one I received from a friend. To me, as a vet, this really made me sad. It is sad that we as a country forget those that sacraficed so much and we idolize pop stars that other than a few good songs, didn't do squat:
One of the "Band of Brothers" soldiers died on June 17, 2009.
We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry. If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.
I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't know who he was at the time I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.
Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many jumps he made.Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart skipped. At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy . . . .. do you know where Normandy is?" At this point my heart stopped.
I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day. I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes. And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my throat and I didn't know what to say.
I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach.He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this.
Well Guys; I'm splitting for the Redwoods and the Coast this weekend before it gets cold. I wont be home to see if my Raiders will beat KC and I will miss my boy race in the chase - oh well. The Beach and Friends isn't a bad trade at all.
I think most of us here have had bad things happen to us from time to time throughout our lives; some of us have had troubles with family, some with friends – many with both. I think most of us have had our ups and downs with society with it's views and stereotypes of us I am sure. So, the question comes up on how to deal with it?
Recently, I have been lucky enough to have met some people in this community that have read some of my blogs that I put up in order to lay a foundation, so to speak, of who I am and where I am coming from, and they have left me some very nice comments and e-mails lending encouragement and friendship. Some of it caused me to rethink how I was handling some things.
So anyway, I was reading a couple of days ago and I came across a little article on the Dalai Lama. Now you overly religious types, don’t make a sign of the cross and walk away. Remember that Buddhism is not a religion, but a philosophy. There are Catholic Buddhists, Christian Buddhists and maybe, although I haven’t met one, maybe there are even Muslim Buddhists, but I digress. The article was mainly on compassion and empathy for those that do us wrong. For those of you who don’t know, the Dalai Lama lives in exile from his home due to the Communist Chinese coming in and taking over. Every day he does this meditation for those he calls, “My friends, the enemy.”
Basically what he does is visual imagery. Try it: get comfortable and close your eyes – visualize your friends around you (Notice who comes into mind). Then imagine that an enemy or someone that has done you wrong is in front of you. Visualize all of his or her negative, angry feelings as smoke billowing around you but not choking or hurting you. Visualize sending him or her good will and kindness as glowing light. Imagine the person surrounded by beautiful light. Believe it or not, your perception of this person will change over time. More importantly, you will feel better. I guess it is somewhat akin to praying for your enemies that is talked about in the Bible.
As I did my run today, I felt good. I have been doing this meditation as well as praying for “My friends, my enemies” for about 3 days now and I felt lighter of heart and happier overall. Funny, I actually ran further than normal and didn’t kill myself doing it.
Some caring people have asked me how I have handled the situation with my brother; well, trust me on this – I have given this a whole thing a bunch of thought and consideration over the years. Having a bachelor’s degree in Speech Communications and a minor in Conflict Resolution, I thought at first I should be able to handle this thing easy. But, none of the usual techniques worked. I tried to understand things from “his perspective”, but that was hard – too hard. It was beyond my imagination to see through his hating eyes. I tried to go through our parents, mutual friends and through my sister to find out what his problem is; he wouldn’t talk to me and when he did it was to tell me to “Fuck off!” So I stopped trying to talk to him and I backed off to give him space. On his Birthdays I would send a card and sign it, “Love Your Brother,….”. Same with Christmas and his Anniversary – Nothing. Finally I stopped that too. Always I prayed that something would make things right between us, but it never did. One of the things he thought that I owed him was an apology. What?? I’m sorry I’m gay? Like I woke up one morning and said to myself, “I want to start having sex with guys!” “I want to embarrass my brother to the point that he won’t talk to me for like five years or so!” Yeah right! Apologize my ass!! I like who I am and I enjoy being gay. Sure it has its difficulties sometimes, but I think I am a good man, love deeply and passionately; I am loyal and support my friends. I served my country in the military and even got awarded and an honorable discharge. What do I have to apologize for? But then I got diagnosed with the brain tumor thingy. The night before the surgery where they were going to cut my scalp open with a Ginsu knife and then drill into my skull with a Makita Hole Saw and scoop some goop out, I couldn’t sleep – go figure. So I stayed up all night and wrote the “Just-in-case” letters to some friends and family. The one I wrote to my brother I told him that I loved him and that I forgave him. I also told him I would not ever apologize for who I am; I also reminded him that he was my brother and always will be and the door was always open for him if he should choose to let this thing of his go. That was almost two years ago. Not a word has been shared between us. We live in different states and that facilitates our “relationship” nicely. I know I have written a lot of sad stuff over my last couple of blogs. These are things that are happening in my life, but that doesn’t mean it is my life. Despite the crap I have described, I am very happy and content. I date, play in a band, have a good time. I think the hardships I have gone through and am going through are making me a better person. I hope to write some happier stuff soon. This weekend I will be going to the Redwoods for the weekend with friends which should be great! So, thanks for listening – love you all.
When I just recently started blogging, I had no idea how much support I would get in the few very welcome comments and even in some e-mails I have recieved. People like Boys Are Ugly But So Cute, Ryan Field and everbody at !!!One Love!!!, Daze Gone Bi and Sethboyardee and so many others that inspire and support I could go on forever to mention them all.
So some know that I had a few issues with my Dad and my homosexuality. I have also talked about Mom and how supportive she is. I have read from many how they have lost friends and such as they either came out or were outed in possibly a public way. I simpathise with all of them. Even though I still talk, laugh and have a good relationship with my Dad despite our "Dont ask, don't tell" unsaid policy regarding my sex life, my older and only brother is a completely different story.
My brother hasn't talked to me in about three years. He feels I am an embarassement to the family. His wife thinks I am the devil or something all though I really could give a shit how she feels. Still it hurts with the brother thing.
Some of you may have read, I have cancer - its all cool, you really can't tell by looking at me. I run and work out almost every day, (Gotta look good if I ever get invited to one of Ryan's nudist parties! - Jk) and stay very healthy in order to give myself that fighting chance. But my brother has cancer too - but his is what they call a metastisizing cancer, so it can spead to other parts of his body (mine wont) and it has. There is a very good chance that he may pass and we will have never worked things out.
I don't even know what his issue is! Growing up, I always looked up to him and thought him pretty much open minded, but I was wrong. He still lives in California, 10 miles away from where he was born and the limit of his world travels is to go riding in Glamis. What confuses me the most is that it wasn't this way in the beginning when he first found out. It seemed to slowly grow and fester in his own mind. I still shake my head at the whole thing. It wasn't like I was showing up at his house with a guy in my arms and making out on his couch. In fact, he never saw me with anyone in that regard. The only thing I can think of is that maybe one of his friends gave him shit and he bit into it and thus exposing his own weakness of mind, "to have to be accepted" by others. I guess with his friends having a gay brother is just not cool enough. I guess he would rather sacrafice family than loose a so-called-friend. I just don't know.
I've been told, "pray for him". Okay, okay. I've been told, "Just let it go - he'll come around". I have been told many things, but my fear is he will die and nothing I do will bring us together at least in some small way - even if it is just to say hello.
Needless to say, this has been a big stressor for the family. Lucky for me, believe it or not, Dad is supporting me - Go Dad! Mom also supports me and has trouble thinking that her oldest son would behave like this. We are all clueless I guess.
For me, I have forgiven him and moved forward. We live in different states so it isn't like we are running into each other, but basically I figure I have to worry about my own live and deal with the day to day stuff we all have to deal with. So yeah, to all those that support - thanks! To all those that have it bad, I understand and I can tell you that although the road gets bumpy, it is worth it in the end. Somewhere in the middle of it all we find ourselves and we find those that really matter and care. Hang tough!
Growing up gay in my house was difficult. Like I had said before, Mom knew pretty much early on and it didn’t bother her a bit. Dad, as I think I mentioned has had quite a bit more of a problem with it; to the point of complete denial. In all other ways he has been a better Dad than anyone could ever be blessed to have. It is in this one area that he drops the ball. But, before I go on let me first say, I love my Dad very much and knowing what I know now, I forgive him for his sometimes cruel words, harsh comments and prejudice attitude towards homosexuals in general – however, it still hurts sometimes.
You see, my Dad grew up on the coast of North Carolina and lived right on the beach. He was a beautiful blond haired, blue eyed boy that was also quite well off and often was left to do whatever he wanted to do. We don’t know for sure, but often in his story tellin’ of when he was a kid, he would allude to being hit on by “queers” at a very early age. By the age 12 and 13, he was hitchhiking all over the area and he would often tell of strange men touching on him and how he would jump out of the car and run. Then, to top it off, he got sent off to an all-boy’s military school, (we all know what those can be like I am sure). He doesn’t talk much about that, but we know it was a dark and lonely time for him. Anyway, to sum it up, with what we can figure, something traumatic must have occurred to him – maybe even more than once, making him very bitter and sensitive in some aspects.
For me, knowing I was gay (once I figured it out) and knowing my Dad hated all things gay – using words like faggot, fudge-packers, cock-suckers and so on, I learned real quick to have girl friends from time to time, do all the manly sports to make him proud and most of all, hide my secret well. I did pretty good for a while.
I think I was like 13; an issue came up with me and the boy down the street. His Mom had a suspicion that he and I were fooling around and of course it then came to the attention of my parents. Mom was cool with it; didn’t all kids do some stuff like that? But Dad went into a rage. Of course I denied everything and to this day I remember his words that still cut me to the core and tear at the compassion and love I hold so dear for him. He said; “Son, if I thought you were gay, I just as soon wished you were dead.” I was stunned, shocked and damned close to giving him his wish.
I have only told that to about 2 or 3 people. I know there are all the “should haves” and could haves”, but I chose to climb into the closet, cry, be ashamed and not understand. I didn’t know then what I know now. Something really bad must have happened to him and he never got healed.
To this day, he still asks when I am going to get a girlfriend. I still never answer. Maybe I am a coward with him, maybe I love him to much to force him to face his own demons, I don’t know. Maybe I know it is a battle that I will never win with him so we might as well meet on the common ground so we can be happy. I think he knows, but just doesn’t want to admit his boy is a “queer”. “What would the neighbors think??” Yeah, what would they think? Not much I sure, because their son was gay too!
As I wrote in my last post, my Mom seemed to know things about me that I didn’t even know myself. Even at my worst, she stood by me and supported me. Even when it came out that I was gay and my father went into denial (to which he is still in), she stood by me. I wrote this song which was intended to be played in a 12 bar blues kind of flavor for her, but I couldn’t get it 100% right cuz I really can’t sing well. So, I gave it to her as a poem. It’s called Mama.
Oh, and this picture? I know it is the "Death of Hyacycnthus" and doesn't have anything to do with a Mom, but I liked the pic and thought that in some ways it does represent unconditional love.
Mama, you always make things turn out right Mama, you shine like the morning light Mama, you always hold me oh so tight And Mama, you always make the day seem bright You’re always there for me, my Mama
We’re all older than we used to be A little grayer than we’d like to be Wrinkles line our face for all to see But little things don’t matter for you and me Because Mama, we’re more than meets the eye We’re also the best of friends you and I
Together now for a long long time Always loving, never questioning why You’re always there for me I love you my Mama
Well, it is almost midnight, I am lying in bed (alone), listening to Ryan Huston and thinking about the book I just finished reading called, “When I Knew”. It is a compilation of very short stories written by famous people when they first discovered they were gay. It is pretty funny and I highly recommend it to anybody. But, it made me think, “When did I first know?” I think my Mom first knew something was up very early on. We were taking a family vacation cross country to visit relatives. It was one of those typical family vacations; a family of five loaded into a ’64 Lincoln Continental Convertible with suicide doors and sky blue interior. It really was a fabulous car especially driving through rural Tennessee where we got all kinds of looks with all of us wearing sunglasses and sporting the California plates. We stopped for a bathroom break at a small town general store and there they were! The most awesome pair of bright red leather shoes and I had to have them. They were fabulous and very close to the shoes Dorothy wore. I threw a major tantrum (mind you I was like 4) and ended up getting them. I just knew I would be the envy of every sensible boy on this side of the country. I wore them constantly. From then on, I am told, I always had to have my clothes just right. By 6 I decided I preferred French cuffs over the standard ones and my belt and shoes always had to match. Yeah, Mom figured it early on, but I still had no clue; I mean, wasn’t every boy like this? A few years later, when I was about 8, I discovered the boy down the street. His name was Donny. We played many of the games that boys of that age play and we even included his little sister at times. One day we found ourselves playing “Dare” – we didn’t care about truth much, we just wanted to dare each other to do things. It wasn’t much longer before we were pulling down our pants and looking at each other. For me, I had no eyes for his sister who was playing right along with us. I had eyes only for Donny. By this time I started to realize that I had to keep some of my opinions to myself. I still made sure I looked good before I went to school, but not so much that I would stand out and get teased. I still didn’t know I was gay per say, I just knew I was different. By 10 or 11, I knew I liked boys. It wasn’t long before I could figure out who the other boys were like me. They weren’t always the stereo typical fem, non-athletic boys; it was just a gut feeling I would get and I learned to trust it. I knew. I still had no name for it, but I knew.
When I started this blog, I used the name Eirik; it is a nickname I have had for several years. I use it because that the people that tend to use that name with me, really know me. They are the ones that have seen me cry; seen me passed out; when I woke up in the hospital, they were the ones that I saw by my bed with my parents; they are the ones that know I am gay and the ones that have stood by me. They tease me for having "guitar or bass face" when I get lost into the music when playing a song - These are the people that know me as Eirik.
Over the years, I have had many different nick names. My real name is Mike Smith (how cliche and not fabulous), so with a name like that I have been called Mikey, (not cool) Mike, Michael and Smitty (all played out IMHO). So, it was with no thought that I used the name Eirik since I wanted to put down thoughts, feelings and ramblings that I would impart to those that know me best or would maybe like to get to know better.
Today I was talking with a great friend that is going through some serious shit right now and I got to admit I am very proud of him and how he is handleing it. Sometimes it is hard to see "The light at the end of the tunnel." I for one, just a year and a half ago had a bit of a surgery that changed my entire life, and like my friend, I had to look real hard to find that perverbial light. I ended up having to "retire" (sounds better than quit) from riding motocross, from competing in Judo and for the first six months after the surgery, left me wondering if I was even going to be able to walk on my own. My hands didn't work great in the beginning either and for the longest time I couldn't even look at my guitars for fear that I couldn't even do that!
Well, I worked hard at keeping a good attitude, I did my therapy and pushed myself - now, a year and a half later, I run every day, play in a band and I have a much healthier respect for things I once took for granted. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel although sometimes it is hard to see.
I bring this up to in some small way, to tell my friend, "Hang in there!" and for anyone else that is going through some crisis, be it small or large to do the same.
Now, if I could only apply this thinking to my sex life!!
This picture (left) is a view from my home I live at now. It is a big difference from where I used to live. As you can imagine, I went through quite the culture shock when I first got here.
This is a picture taken about 5 minutes away from my old home in Southern California. I used to spend many mornings on "Dawn Patrol" surfing these waves and stripping down to just a towel right on the road in order to change to go home and then to work.
Being kind of new to this blogging thing I find it kind of surreal. You put stuff out into this vast space which is kind of like tossing a grain of sand onto a beach and then wonder if someone will walk by and notice it amongst all the other grains. Does it get picked up, glanced at and then tossed away? Or does it get studied? I am sure, for the most part, people walk on by without a notice. Just a thought.
I was also wondering why is it as a gay man it seems that we have to announce that we are gay? I mean heterosexuals don't have to declare their sexuality. If you go to a straight guys blog, generally speaking you wont see him announce, "I am a straight man living in,......blah blah blah". It isn't like I am ashamed of my sexuality, I guess I just wonder at the hypocrisy of it all.
I was standing alone, Me against the world, Naked and unprotected, Just trying to survive.
Out of balance, I was seeking something, Waiting for the unknown.
Then, out of a crowd, Came a smile, A gesture; A hand offered in friendship, A friend to be the best.
But, I game had to be played, With rules that change from day to day; From person to person.
I stumble, I fall, again and again, And the hand remains to help me back up, With the claim of the best still standing.
Yet perceptions sometimes contradict, But committed I stay, I give it my all, I gave my heart, Offered my soul, Only one path is open, Forward into the unknown.
No directions, No experience, I cling to my friend, Afraid to let go.
He carries me; I'd carry him.
Many unspoken words between us, Many emotions un-shared, Still I hold on, Basking in his strength, But wincing at his rebukes.
It's all for the better. Life gets complicated sometimes, But I'm no longer alone. Or am I?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wake me, wake me I'm dreaming. Sheets are wet, skin is steaming; Tossing and turning, My body is yearning, For what's beyond reaching. Visions of you assault me; Wake me, I can't take the pain, I'm dreaming of you again.
Just another foolish dream; A blissfull fantasy, A montary escape, From a painful reality.
All alone in my bed, Pictures of you racking my head, Dreaming of you, Dreaming of you again.
Waiting eagerly for each shared moment, And what is yet to be discovered.
Waves crash on the beach, Bringing doubt and hope, Swirling together in the sand; Only to be drawn back into the waiting sea. Leaving nothing; Loneliness, Emptiness.
Can’t cry – Don’t try. Fall back inside. Put on the mask.
Moving too fast, Can’t see the signs, The twists, the turns.
It’s raining now, A storm is here. Feel the power.
Feelings rage with the wind. Shoved to the back, Closed in the closet, Hidden for none to see. Hope lingers.
It truly is a world of misery. We should be happy and free. Do you feel me?
I wish I could say, All the things in my head, Forever going ’round, Never getting’ said. And, with every passing day, My love just grows more.
I can feel your stares; I hear the unspoken messages. But, I don’t know what they mean. I can’t help but wonder; What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Do you feel as I? What lies behind those eyes? Do you have scars deep inside?
Show me that smile; Stay with me, Just a little while.
A dog chases his tail, Forever going ’round, Getting dizzy – falling down.
Why can’t we control our dreams?
Waiting again. For what, I don’t know. It’s not your fault. I’m such a mess, I just wish, I could care, A little less.
Longing for your presence; For your touch I so rarely feel, For your love I wish was real.
Maybe in another place, In another time, With no one watching, No one judging; Things could be different Speed might not matter.
Reality sets in; Like a bugs ass against a windshield; Back to this world, This moment, This reality, A reality of confusion, Delusions and subterfugions; Where hot and cold run back to back; Changing without warning, Leaving me hanging On faith and half-said things, Imagination dominating, Taking off on flapping wings.
Fear has become my friend, Talking to me every day. Gripping my tongue; Stopping me from expressing how I feel; Stronger than the eyes that watch; Stronger than the ones that judge. Left Ignorant, Not knowing; Your mask in place.
Moving too fast, Or not moving fast enough. Maybe I’m on the wrong road altogether; Maybe you’re just hiding; Hiding from the eyes, Hiding from your self.
You are beautiful. A small flower in a field of weeds; Enticing with your necter, Driven by instinct, Me the bee.
What to do? What to do?
Move mountains. Words issue forth from tender lips, Actions are tendered; Not what’s expected; Not what was said. The storm is raging, It is cold – bundle up. But still, the chill wind will find it’s way in.
I’m at a loss. The pendulum swings. Games are played; Rules are random, And I can’t stay away.
Dinner is served; All is forgiven. The game plays on. Pressure is building, No release in sight.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder; Bullshit! Absence makes the heart grow lonely.
There is no love; Lost years ago, Unable to penetrate the mask. Speed never mattered; We never left.
Why is it so many demand respect, But refuse to give it? Demand compassion, But relish in the pain of others?
Did I miss something? They live with their hand out, Expecting to have everything handed to them. These same people do nothing, Have done nothing, And, will more than likely never do anything to deserve the things they demand Solely for their self perceived efforts.
Give freely or they’ll take it from you, Simply because they exist. Don’t dream, They’ll take that too.
They lecture on right and wrong, Lecture on Good and bad, Expound on the virtues of Honor, Yet, they know nothing of the concept.
Self righteously they seek the truth, Only to condemn the messenger, And reel back in disbelief at his words.
“How dare he speak the truth!”
Indignation and hate fill their eyes. Fake smiles crease their faces, The plotting ensues.
They are living examples of the sins they accuse, They take hard and give light, They set a standard that they refuse to live.
I don’t want the truth – all I want are lies, Pretty green fields beautiful blue skies. Tell me that you love me; tell me that you care, Make me a believer; completely unaware, Cuz I’m walkin’ in the dark; afraid of the light, Grateful I can’t see; hiding in the night.
I see what I want; pictures in my head, Butterflies surround me, whisper what you said. You’re playin’ a game; not caring for rules, Lie and keep me happy, play me the fool. I’m convinced that you love me; convinced that you care, I’m a believer, blissfully unaware.
Talking behind my back; Lying to my face, You’re good at this game; you’re mask in place. I haven’t got a clue; I don’t give a damn, I’m fucking happy – really I am. Doesn’t matter if you love me; don’t matter if you care, Cuz I’m a believer; Blissfully unaware.
I am so sick of all this shit about Healthcare Reform. I have listened to both sides and must confess I am confused by the out-right lies I am hearing from the DNC. I haven’t heard one Republican say they were against “Healthcare Reform”. What they have said is that they are against this particular bill that is being pushed through and rammed down our throats. Do you realize that Obama spent more time picking out a dog than they are spending on getting this reform done? Isn’t something as important as this, deserve to be done right rather than saving the pride of the man that made a promise he can’t keep? It has gotten so bad, that the White House is actually telling people to e-mail them if you see something “fishy”. Wow, that is crazy! We are still in America aren’t we? Are we next going to have little Hitler Youth (or would it be Obama Youth) reporting on their parents? Maybe next we will set up Gulags to send these individuals that actually dared to use their rights that our fore-fathers fought and died for. Don’t laugh, it has happened before. Not here, but it could. Being a Veteran and having family members that are actively serving or have served honorably in literally every conflict going back to the Revolutionary War, I find this taking away of our Rights quite offensive. Not only are they being taken away, some are actively trying to give them away. Some people say that the rich should “disperse” their wealth. Why? Where were these people when I was working two jobs while I worked my way through college? I didn’t get special entitlements. Now that I am working, paying taxes on things I didn’t vote for or agree with, why should I give up what I worked very hard for to individuals that feel they are entitled to the profits of my hard work? And for those of you that feel that our healthcare is expensive, you are right. Does it need improvement? Yes. But if you want the best healthcare you don’t go to England, Canada or wherever; you come here. You see, if you want a Rolls Royce, you can’t expect to pay the price of a Kia. Personally, I am grateful I’m in America – I have a primary brain tumor and they acted on it right away. It probably saved my life. If I was somewhere else, chances are I would still be waiting for my first MRI or worse; I would be lying in my state issued coffin waiting for Comrade Grave Digger to find the People’s shovel to dig my grave. C’mon people – wake up! If it looks too good to be true, chances are, it isn’t true. For you Socialist’s out there; please, feel free to report this information to the White House like a good little Party member. But remember, when you do, they get all your information too! Big Brother is watching.
Lay next to me, Blink my pain away, Kiss my pain away, Drink my pain away, Nothing lasts forever, Nothing stays the same.
Can’t forget your face, No one else seems right, Your eyes still burn my soul, How I loved you, It’s too late to cry.
Never ending, Inside out, Outside in, Been stung, Been shunned, Been run hard and put away wet, No plans, nothing set, Eyes drift, From face to face, From ass to ass, Nothing’s sacred, Nothing’s safe, Die tomorrow, Die today, Doesn’t really matter, Big Picture stays the same.
Depression, Medication, Depression medication, Medicate the depression All stays the same.
Nothing changes, Nothing stays the same, It’s all the same to me.
Anger Management, Management causes the anger, Medicate the management.
Cleaned up, Scrubbed up, All washed up, Blink the pain away, Kiss the pain away, Drink the pain away, Tears blur, Lips moisten, Words slur, Nothing lasts forever, Nothing stays the same, How I loved you, Nothing changes, Nothing stays the same.
Born & Raised in Southern California and now living Near the North-West Coast, I have been lucky enough to travel much of the world. I am gay, a cancer survivor, a closet philosopher, bad poet, bass player and currently play in a bar/garage band. I also love to surf, ride motocross, do judo, run in the rain, hike, walk on beaches and generally enjoy the outdoors and nature.
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