Thursday, January 28, 2010

My ode to Cancer

So the other day, I was having I guess you could call it a "pity-party" for myself - not cool. Seth stepped up and gave me a gentle kick in the ass probably more than he knows. I basically let a few things get to me that normally I would have smiled at and probably would have just said, "It's all part of the gig!"

So I put my thoughts into a rambling sort of poem thingy. It actually makes sense to me - I hope it does to you!

Ode to Cancer

Don’t be afraid.
I’m going to hurt you good.
Up against the wall;
Nails across my back.
Pleasure and Pain,
There is no escape.
It’s all the same
It ain’t no game
So turn up the heat;
Get a grip –
It’s going to get rough
It’s no dream,
No waking up.
It’s okay to scream.
Let it all out.
No escape.
It’s down and dirty.
So, get on your knees and pray.
I’m your victim;
You’ll be mine.
You torment me,
Give me your best shot,
Is that your best you got?
That weak ass shit ain’t gonna cut it.
Torture me.
I’ll torture you,
You won’t see it coming.
I know your games,
I know your ways.
You won’t win.
I’m going to hurt you good.
So give me your best.
I’ll pass every test.
I’m gonna kill you slow.
So, don’t be afraid.
There is no escape.

Thanks for all the ongoing support guys - It means more than I can ever tell you or express, but I know you understand.


Monday, January 25, 2010


Hey Guys!
First let me say that I actually really miss you guys. I never actually thought that I would miss people that I have never met face to face, but it is true. I think for most people we take certain interactions for granted. It isn't that I ever took any of you for granted, I just never realized the happiness I get from most of you until I was relocated temporarily from my PC. If you look at the pic you'll see that If I was at one end of this place and I needed to go to the other (which I do) it is quite the hike. Add to the fact that radiation and all the drugs they have me on really make me sleeeeeeeeepy. Oh well, part of the gig I guess. It could be worse and I am sure some do, so I should consider myself lucky that I have access at all!

So, the other day I had a post ready, but tossed it, today I forgot it! Go figure - I'm a spazz, what can I say?

Oh, so I have this "friend" that I am in sort of a long distance relationship with. He is hella cute, and it is a love/hate, love to hate, hate to love type of thing. We never get to see each other physically and overall the whole thing is a pain in the ass (No - not like that). I have thought of breaking the whole thing off, but if you care about someone don't you try to work through the bad and hard stuff? We have left things open so if we choose to go out and have some fun or something, then that is all cool, but I have a hard time with that. To complicate matters, lets face it, I have brain cancer or a not very friendly type. Is it fair to him to even suggest a more stringent or singular relationship? Or should I just let things go and see what happens? I already know the usual stuff; "if you really love him,...." and all that, but I am sure most of you know; it is never that easy. Why, IDK.

On the good side, my Mom came up to spend the weekend with me and brought my dog. It was fun smuggling him around the hospital - lol. Most of the places if you just acted like you knew what you were doing, they were cool with it. I guess my little Scruffy blended in with the "work" dogs - lol!

Anyway guys,....I hope and pray everyone is doing well. My love and prayers go out to all of you!


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

change of plans

I had a post all written up but after I logged on and read through many of the comments and other blogs, my original post was tossed away - oh well; all part of the gig I guess; gotta go with the flow of things. Besides, look at the sunrise (bad pic sorry) that I woke up to - can't be too upset about things.

I had an early session with the radiologists and despite going through daily radiation, I had a full weekend of fun with some friends that drove hundreds of miles to come see me and take me out. We went pub hopping, shopping (yea, I'm a gay stereotype and love to shop what can I say?) and enjoyed lots of loud music and good conversation. It was a good weekend. Then when I read all the well wishes that people have sent my way, I was touched more than you can know and it made my weekend complete. So to Ryan Field, Just, Aaron, Seth and JLo, just to name a few, (sorry to those I failed to mention - it isn't on purpose) I want to say thank you very much for the love and support.

I would also like to send out some added love and support to another Ryan and to his brother Ty. We all know Ty is having some troubles of his own right now. I don't know Ty, but if he is anything like his brother than the world could use a few more like him. Please let us all continue to pray for him and the family. Being in the hospital for an extended time can cause allot of stress to the patient as well as the family, so let us all remember that and keep the love flowing towards someone so deserving.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Where have I been?

First let me say how much I have missed you guys - unfortunately I may be gone for a bit longer, but I will try to sneak in a few words here and there.

So, where have I been? Well some of you may know I have Cancer. You wouldn't know it by looking at me except for a scar or two. I still go to the gym almost daily, run, swim, lift weights and that sort of thing; anything to keep going strong. Anyway, I am up in Portland, Oregon undergoing some radiation treatment along with Chemotherapy. Its all cool. I am ex military so it is all paid for, so thank you all for your contributions!

The type of cancer I have is kind of rare - it is a mixed glyoma (please don't ask me to spell it out!) basically a brain tumor. Its cool though. I have survived two craniotomies, radiation & chemotherapy in the past as well. This hospital is ranked 4th best in the country for this type of treatment and my team is fantastic! Portland is a fun town and has lots to do in my off time when I am not sleeping the radiation and drug effects off.

At this hosptial, they have a wing called Dormbecher's hall. It is a wing for kids with various severe medical conditions. In order to get to Starbucks I have to walk down the hallways of this place and see many of the kids - it is heartbreaking, but awe inspiring and humbling all at the same time. If you ever think you have it tough and that life has dealt you a raw deal, go look at kids with cancer - they are so fucking tough and brave! It will make you feel petty and weak and your prolems nothing. I would trade places with any one of them in a heart beat. I figure I have lived a pretty full life and seen the world, met lots of people and had some pretty good sex along the way too. Most of these kids have rarely seen the outside of a hospital without some sort of medical equipment tagging behind, let alone getting laid or anything like that. Despite all that, these kids always have smiles, playing around and doing as best they can to have a good quality life. My problems are nothing. Don't even get me going on how the parents of these kids must be going through,....I can't imagine the pain.

Anyway; I hope that everyone is enjoying this winter and living life to the fullest and remember, no matter how bad you have it, chances are someone has it worse. Smile and get on with living. No one ever said things would be easy.

Love you guys!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

All Because of You

Some of you may know already, but every now and then I dabble in some song lyrics and poetry. This is one that I have been working on lately and I am sure it only makes sense to me. Now if I can get the bass line down for it I'd be cool.

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....

So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
reaching for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Inside my hands the petals browned;
Dried up falling to the ground,
Was it was already too late?
I pushed my fingers into the earth,
Returned this flower to the dirt;
So it could maybe live & I walked away.
But I know...

Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
reaching for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

All because of you.
All because of you.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
reaching for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
Not the kind with halos;
The kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Friday, December 11, 2009

A New Inspration

I just saw this story and was amazed. The way my brain works, I apply stuff like this to my life and what is around me. After seeing this, I almost feel that sometimes we screw ourselves by "knowing" the difficulties behind something. Check out this story;

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Festivus Pole?

Okay, so I admit I have been a bit out of it as of late; Maybe I have been more than slightly selfish in my not caring about “Political correctness”; I may have even been blatantly callous in my lack of attention to others about their personal feelings of being left out or being offended at my actions in regards to the holidays. Did I miss something? When did we get so sensitive? So, what am I getting at you may wonder? Well a while back I was e-mailed something I thought was a joke. Upon further research I found out this shit was real!

Check this out:

A Festivus Pole? C’mon Guys!! Really? Have we become so fucking politically correct that we can’t have a Christmas tree? Or say “Merry Christmas” and if YOU don’t celebrate Christmas YOU actually become offended at the statement or the sight of a Christmas tree rather than understand the thought and feeling behind it? WTF? I find it ironic that these are usually same people that get offended are usually the ones that forget that people have fought and died for the right to practice, display and hold whatever religeous belief you want. It is like compassion; everyone wants it, but few give it. Or, Respect for that matter; everyone wants their religion respected, but few want to respect other’s beliefs or practices. Why is that?

Well, here is a list of Christmas Wishes and non Christmas wishes from around the world. I hope that no one is left out. If anyone can explain this phenom, I would really appreciate it.

Christmas Wishes (Non-English)
• Mīlād Majīd ميلاد مجيد - Arabic for "Merry Christmas" as used in Lebanon and several other countries
• Bon Nadal - Catalan for Happy Christmas
• Bon Carnaval - A French, Creole, or Cajun carnival greeting often used for Mardi Gras.
• Sretan Božić - Croatian for Happy Christmas
• Veselé Vánoce a šťastný nový rok - Czech language, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"
• Glædelig jul - Danish
• God jul - Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, lit. "Good Yule"
• Vrolijk Kerstfeest en Gelukkig Nieuwjaar - Dutch, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"
• Häid jõule - Estonian
• Maligayang Pasko - Filipino word, a Common Christmas Greeting in the Philippines which was Merry Christmas in English Translation.
• Hyvää joulua - Finnish
• Joyeux Noël - French for "Happy Christmas" used in France, French Canada, Belgium, Luxembourg, Louisiana, Switzerland, the Lebanon and Francophone Africa
• Frohe Weihnachten/Fröhliche Weihnachten - German for Merry Christmas
• Kala Christouyenna - Greek for Merry Christmas
• Selamat Natal: "Christmas best wishes" Indonesian
• Buon Natale - Italian for Happy Christmas
• Boldog karácsonyt/Kellemes karácsonyi ünnepeket : Merry Christmas/Pleasant Christmas Holidays in Hungarian
• Nollaig Shona Duit - Ireland, (Irish Language), Gaeilge, lit. "You have a happy Christmas".
• Linksmų Šv. Kalėdų ir Naujųjų Metų - Lithuanian "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"
• Среќен Божиќ, (Sreḱen Božiḱ) - Macedonian for Happy Christmas
• Il-Milied u s-Sena t-Tajba - Malta - "Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year"
• کریسمس مبارک - Persian "Merry Christmas"
• Crăciun Fericit! Romanian for Merry Christmas
• S'Rozhdestvom Kristovym! (С Рождеством Христовым!) or, more commonly, simply S Rozhdestvom! for the informal Christmas greeting, while the traditional religious greeting is Khrystos razhdayetsya! (Христос рождается, meaning "Christ is born!") and the traditional response is Slavite! (Cлавите!, meaning "Let us glorify him!").
• "Христос се роди!" answer: "Воистину се роди!" or: "Srećan Božić" (Serbian) "Merry Christmas"
• Veselé Vianoce a Šťastný Nový rok - Slovak language, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"
• Feliz Navidad - Castilian lit. "Happy Nativity"
• Mutlu Noeller - Turkish - "Happy Christmas"
• Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda - Wales (by Welsh speakers), "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year"
• Gëzuar Krishtëlindjen dhe Vitin e Ri - Albanian, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"

Non-English, Non-Christmas
• Geseënde Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige nuwe jaar - Blessed Christmas and a prosperous New Year - Afrikaans speaking South Africans
• Kull 'ām wa 'antum bikhair كل عام وأنتم بخير - Arabic for "May every year find you (plural) in good health"
• 'A'yād Sa'īdah أعياد سعيدة - Arabic for "Happy Holidays"
• Īd mubārak عيد مبارك - Arabic for "Blessed Eid" is used to greet at the end of Ramadan on Eid ul-Fitr
• Taqabbala Allāhu minnā wa minkum تقبل الله منا ومنكم - Arabic for "May God accept from us, and from you"
• 'Īd sa‘īd عيد سعيد - Arabic for "Happy Eid" or "Happy Holiday"
• Ramaḍān Karīm رمضان كريم - Arabic for "Blessed Ramadan" is used to greet at the beginning of Ramadan
• Prettige Kerstdagen en een gelukkig nieuwjaar - Dutch
• Jour de l'An- French for Happy New Year used in French Canada
• Joyeuses Fêtes - French for Happy Holidays used in French Canada
• Boas Festas - Galician for Happy Holidays
• Kales yortes Greek for Happy Holidays
• Mele Kalikimaka - Hawaiian, is preferred over the traditional American "Merry Christmas" in the U.S. state of Hawaii; made popular worldwide by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters in 1950 in song
• Gmar Chatimah Tovah ("May you be sealed for good") or Tzom Kal ("Have an easy fast") - solemn greetings for Yom Kippur.
• Mo-ād-īm L'sim-chā מועדים לשמחה - Hebrew language for "Happy Holidays" is the proper greeting for the Jewish Pilgrimage Festivals (Passover, Shavuot, Sukkot). The response is "Chāg-īm Uz'mān-īm L'sā-son חגים וזמנים לששון"
• L'Shanah Tovah - Hebrew, Lit. "a good year". Common greeting during Rosh Hashanah and Days of Awe. It is derived from L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem, lit. "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year".
• Chag Sameach - Hebrew for "Joyous festival", used for most Jewish festivals.
• Mohon maaf lahir dan batin: Please forgive my trespasses (sins) Indonesian
• Selamat Tahun Baru: "Happy New Year" Indonesian
• Selamat Hari Raya, Selamat Idul Fitri or Salam Aidilfitri - Indonesia and Malaysia
• Buone Feste - Italian for Happy Holidays
• 明けましておめでとうございます。(Akemashite Omedetō-gozaimasu.), in Japanese, literally: "Opening congratulations." but is used as "Happy New Year."
• 새해 복 많이 받으세요 Saehae Bok Mani baduseyo - Korean "Happy New Year"
• Kellemes húsvéti ünnepeket: Pleasant Easter Holidays-- in Hungarian(Magyar)
• maaf zahir dan batin - Malaysian Lit. "Forgive my physical and emotional (wrongdoings)"
• gōng xǐ fā cái - Chinese (Mandarin), "Congratulations and Prosperity"
• "Шинэ жилийн мэнд хүргэе" Shini jiliin mend hurgie, -Mongolian,- Happy New Year
• Shin Jileen Mend Khurgey - Mongolian for Happy New Year
• Wesołych Świąt - Polish greeting used before Christmas (literally 'Happy Holidays').
• Feliz Natal - Portuguese for Happy Christmas
• Boas Festas - Portuguese for Happy Holidays
• С Новым Годом (S Novim Godom) - Russian, - Happy New Year Lit. "With a New Year"
• Felices Fiestas - Castilian for Happy Holidays
• Habari Gani - Swahili for "What's the news?" is the daily greeting for each of the seven days of Kwanzaa.
• Yeni yılınız kutlu olsun - Turkish - "Happy New Year"
• Phát tài phát lộc Tấn tài tấn lộc - Vietnamese language, "Luck and Prosperity"
• Chúc mừng năm mới - Vietnamese language, "Celebrate the New Year"
• Joyous Yule - Usually a Wiccan or Neopagan greeting for the Winter solstice
• Gut Yontiff - Yiddish for "good holiday" used for non festival holidays.
• Vạn sự như ý - Vietnamese language, "All things are as expected"