Dad had Issues

Growing up gay in my house was difficult. Like I had said before, Mom knew pretty much early on and it didn’t bother her a bit. Dad, as I think I mentioned has had quite a bit more of a problem with it; to the point of complete denial. In all other ways he has been a better Dad than anyone could ever be blessed to have. It is in this one area that he drops the ball. But, before I go on let me first say, I love my Dad very much and knowing what I know now, I forgive him for his sometimes cruel words, harsh comments and prejudice attitude towards homosexuals in general – however, it still hurts sometimes.

You see, my Dad grew up on the coast of North Carolina and lived right on the beach. He was a beautiful blond haired, blue eyed boy that was also quite well off and often was left to do whatever he wanted to do. We don’t know for sure, but often in his story tellin’ of when he was a kid, he would allude to being hit on by “queers” at a very early age. By the age 12 and 13, he was hitchhiking all over the area and he would often tell of strange men touching on him and how he would jump out of the car and run. Then, to top it off, he got sent off to an all-boy’s military school, (we all know what those can be like I am sure). He doesn’t talk much about that, but we know it was a dark and lonely time for him. Anyway, to sum it up, with what we can figure, something traumatic must have occurred to him – maybe even more than once, making him very bitter and sensitive in some aspects.

For me, knowing I was gay (once I figured it out) and knowing my Dad hated all things gay – using words like faggot, fudge-packers, cock-suckers and so on, I learned real quick to have girl friends from time to time, do all the manly sports to make him proud and most of all, hide my secret well. I did pretty good for a while.

I think I was like 13; an issue came up with me and the boy down the street. His Mom had a suspicion that he and I were fooling around and of course it then came to the attention of my parents. Mom was cool with it; didn’t all kids do some stuff like that? But Dad went into a rage. Of course I denied everything and to this day I remember his words that still cut me to the core and tear at the compassion and love I hold so dear for him. He said; “Son, if I thought you were gay, I just as soon wished you were dead.” I was stunned, shocked and damned close to giving him his wish.

I have only told that to about 2 or 3 people. I know there are all the “should haves” and could haves”, but I chose to climb into the closet, cry, be ashamed and not understand. I didn’t know then what I know now. Something really bad must have happened to him and he never got healed.

To this day, he still asks when I am going to get a girlfriend. I still never answer. Maybe I am a coward with him, maybe I love him to much to force him to face his own demons, I don’t know. Maybe I know it is a battle that I will never win with him so we might as well meet on the common ground so we can be happy. I think he knows, but just doesn’t want to admit his boy is a “queer”. “What would the neighbors think??” Yeah, what would they think? Not much I sure, because their son was gay too!