Family, Support and Friends

When I just recently started blogging, I had no idea how much support I would get in the few very welcome comments and even in some e-mails I have recieved. People like Boys Are Ugly But So Cute, Ryan Field and everbody at !!!One Love!!!, Daze Gone Bi and Sethboyardee and so many others that inspire and support I could go on forever to mention them all.

So some know that I had a few issues with my Dad and my homosexuality. I have also talked about Mom and how supportive she is. I have read from many how they have lost friends and such as they either came out or were outed in possibly a public way. I simpathise with all of them. Even though I still talk, laugh and have a good relationship with my Dad despite our "Dont ask, don't tell" unsaid policy regarding my sex life, my older and only brother is a completely different story.

My brother hasn't talked to me in about three years. He feels I am an embarassement to the family. His wife thinks I am the devil or something all though I really could give a shit how she feels. Still it hurts with the brother thing.

Some of you may have read, I have cancer - its all cool, you really can't tell by looking at me. I run and work out almost every day, (Gotta look good if I ever get invited to one of Ryan's nudist parties! - Jk) and stay very healthy in order to give myself that fighting chance. But my brother has cancer too - but his is what they call a metastisizing cancer, so it can spead to other parts of his body (mine wont) and it has. There is a very good chance that he may pass and we will have never worked things out.

I don't even know what his issue is! Growing up, I always looked up to him and thought him pretty much open minded, but I was wrong. He still lives in California, 10 miles away from where he was born and the limit of his world travels is to go riding in Glamis. What confuses me the most is that it wasn't this way in the beginning when he first found out. It seemed to slowly grow and fester in his own mind. I still shake my head at the whole thing. It wasn't like I was showing up at his house with a guy in my arms and making out on his couch. In fact, he never saw me with anyone in that regard. The only thing I can think of is that maybe one of his friends gave him shit and he bit into it and thus exposing his own weakness of mind, "to have to be accepted" by others. I guess with his friends having a gay brother is just not cool enough. I guess he would rather sacrafice family than loose a so-called-friend. I just don't know.

I've been told, "pray for him". Okay, okay. I've been told, "Just let it go - he'll come around". I have been told many things, but my fear is he will die and nothing I do will bring us together at least in some small way - even if it is just to say hello.

Needless to say, this has been a big stressor for the family. Lucky for me, believe it or not, Dad is supporting me - Go Dad! Mom also supports me and has trouble thinking that her oldest son would behave like this. We are all clueless I guess.

For me, I have forgiven him and moved forward. We live in different states so it isn't like we are running into each other, but basically I figure I have to worry about my own live and deal with the day to day stuff we all have to deal with. So yeah, to all those that support - thanks! To all those that have it bad, I understand and I can tell you that although the road gets bumpy, it is worth it in the end. Somewhere in the middle of it all we find ourselves and we find those that really matter and care. Hang tough!