My ode to Cancer

So the other day, I was having I guess you could call it a "pity-party" for myself - not cool. Seth stepped up and gave me a gentle kick in the ass probably more than he knows. I basically let a few things get to me that normally I would have smiled at and probably would have just said, "It's all part of the gig!"


So I put my thoughts into a rambling sort of poem thingy. It actually makes sense to me - I hope it does to you!

Ode to Cancer

Don’t be afraid.
I’m going to hurt you good.
Up against the wall;
Nails across my back.
Pleasure and Pain,
There is no escape.
It’s all the same
It ain’t no game
So turn up the heat;
Get a grip –
It’s going to get rough
It’s no dream,
No waking up.
It’s okay to scream.
Let it all out.
No escape.
It’s down and dirty.
So, get on your knees and pray.
I’m your victim;
You’ll be mine.
You torment me,
Give me your best shot,
Is that your best you got?
That weak ass shit ain’t gonna cut it.
Torture me.
I’ll torture you,
You won’t see it coming.
I know your games,
I know your ways.
You won’t win.
I’m going to hurt you good.
So give me your best.
I’ll pass every test.
I’m gonna kill you slow.
So, don’t be afraid.
There is no escape.


Thanks for all the ongoing support guys - It means more than I can ever tell you or express, but I know you understand.


LUVS & HUGS

Hello!

Hey Guys!
First let me say that I actually really miss you guys. I never actually thought that I would miss people that I have never met face to face, but it is true. I think for most people we take certain interactions for granted. It isn't that I ever took any of you for granted, I just never realized the happiness I get from most of you until I was relocated temporarily from my PC. If you look at the pic you'll see that If I was at one end of this place and I needed to go to the other (which I do) it is quite the hike. Add to the fact that radiation and all the drugs they have me on really make me sleeeeeeeeepy. Oh well, part of the gig I guess. It could be worse and I am sure some do, so I should consider myself lucky that I have access at all!


So, the other day I had a post ready, but tossed it, today I forgot it! Go figure - I'm a spazz, what can I say?

Oh, so I have this "friend" that I am in sort of a long distance relationship with. He is hella cute, and it is a love/hate, love to hate, hate to love type of thing. We never get to see each other physically and overall the whole thing is a pain in the ass (No - not like that). I have thought of breaking the whole thing off, but if you care about someone don't you try to work through the bad and hard stuff? We have left things open so if we choose to go out and have some fun or something, then that is all cool, but I have a hard time with that. To complicate matters, lets face it, I have brain cancer or a not very friendly type. Is it fair to him to even suggest a more stringent or singular relationship? Or should I just let things go and see what happens? I already know the usual stuff; "if you really love him,...." and all that, but I am sure most of you know; it is never that easy. Why, IDK.

On the good side, my Mom came up to spend the weekend with me and brought my dog. It was fun smuggling him around the hospital - lol. Most of the places if you just acted like you knew what you were doing, they were cool with it. I guess my little Scruffy blended in with the "work" dogs - lol!

Anyway guys,....I hope and pray everyone is doing well. My love and prayers go out to all of you!

Eirik

change of plans

I had a post all written up but after I logged on and read through many of the comments and other blogs, my original post was tossed away - oh well; all part of the gig I guess; gotta go with the flow of things. Besides, look at the sunrise (bad pic sorry) that I woke up to - can't be too upset about things.

I had an early session with the radiologists and despite going through daily radiation, I had a full weekend of fun with some friends that drove hundreds of miles to come see me and take me out. We went pub hopping, shopping (yea, I'm a gay stereotype and love to shop what can I say?) and enjoyed lots of loud music and good conversation. It was a good weekend. Then when I read all the well wishes that people have sent my way, I was touched more than you can know and it made my weekend complete. So to Ryan Field, Just, Aaron, Seth and JLo, just to name a few, (sorry to those I failed to mention - it isn't on purpose) I want to say thank you very much for the love and support.

I would also like to send out some added love and support to another Ryan and to his brother Ty. We all know Ty is having some troubles of his own right now. I don't know Ty, but if he is anything like his brother than the world could use a few more like him. Please let us all continue to pray for him and the family. Being in the hospital for an extended time can cause allot of stress to the patient as well as the family, so let us all remember that and keep the love flowing towards someone so deserving.

Where have I been?

First let me say how much I have missed you guys - unfortunately I may be gone for a bit longer, but I will try to sneak in a few words here and there.


So, where have I been? Well some of you may know I have Cancer. You wouldn't know it by looking at me except for a scar or two. I still go to the gym almost daily, run, swim, lift weights and that sort of thing; anything to keep going strong. Anyway, I am up in Portland, Oregon undergoing some radiation treatment along with Chemotherapy. Its all cool. I am ex military so it is all paid for, so thank you all for your contributions!


The type of cancer I have is kind of rare - it is a mixed glyoma (please don't ask me to spell it out!) basically a brain tumor. Its cool though. I have survived two craniotomies, radiation & chemotherapy in the past as well. This hospital is ranked 4th best in the country for this type of treatment and my team is fantastic! Portland is a fun town and has lots to do in my off time when I am not sleeping the radiation and drug effects off.


At this hosptial, they have a wing called Dormbecher's hall. It is a wing for kids with various severe medical conditions. In order to get to Starbucks I have to walk down the hallways of this place and see many of the kids - it is heartbreaking, but awe inspiring and humbling all at the same time. If you ever think you have it tough and that life has dealt you a raw deal, go look at kids with cancer - they are so fucking tough and brave! It will make you feel petty and weak and your prolems nothing. I would trade places with any one of them in a heart beat. I figure I have lived a pretty full life and seen the world, met lots of people and had some pretty good sex along the way too. Most of these kids have rarely seen the outside of a hospital without some sort of medical equipment tagging behind, let alone getting laid or anything like that. Despite all that, these kids always have smiles, playing around and doing as best they can to have a good quality life. My problems are nothing. Don't even get me going on how the parents of these kids must be going through,....I can't imagine the pain.


Anyway; I hope that everyone is enjoying this winter and living life to the fullest and remember, no matter how bad you have it, chances are someone has it worse. Smile and get on with living. No one ever said things would be easy.

Love you guys!