I was reading through some e-mail the other day this is one I received from a friend. To me, as a vet, this really made me sad. It is sad that we as a country forget those that sacraficed so much and we idolize pop stars that other than a few good songs, didn't do squat:



One of the "Band of Brothers" soldiers died on June 17, 2009.

We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry. If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't know who he was at the time I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many jumps he made.Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart skipped. At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy . . . .. do you know where Normandy is?" At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day. I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes. And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my throat and I didn't know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach.He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall to wall back to back 24x7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that's not right.

Rest in peace, Shifty.

Weekend Get-a-way

Well Guys; I'm splitting for the Redwoods and the Coast this weekend before it gets cold. I wont be home to see if my Raiders will beat KC and I will miss my boy race in the chase - oh well. The Beach and Friends isn't a bad trade at all.

Y'all have agreat weekend!

My friends, the enemy

I think most of us here have had bad things happen to us from time to time throughout our lives; some of us have had troubles with family, some with friends – many with both. I think most of us have had our ups and downs with society with it's views and stereotypes of us I am sure. So, the question comes up on how to deal with it?

Recently, I have been lucky enough to have met some people in this community that have read some of my blogs that I put up in order to lay a foundation, so to speak, of who I am and where I am coming from, and they have left me some very nice comments and e-mails lending encouragement and friendship. Some of it caused me to rethink how I was handling some things.

So anyway, I was reading a couple of days ago and I came across a little article on the Dalai Lama. Now you overly religious types, don’t make a sign of the cross and walk away. Remember that Buddhism is not a religion, but a philosophy. There are Catholic Buddhists, Christian Buddhists and maybe, although I haven’t met one, maybe there are even Muslim Buddhists, but I digress. The article was mainly on compassion and empathy for those that do us wrong. For those of you who don’t know, the Dalai Lama lives in exile from his home due to the Communist Chinese coming in and taking over. Every day he does this meditation for those he calls, “My friends, the enemy.”

Basically what he does is visual imagery. Try it: get comfortable and close your eyes – visualize your friends around you (Notice who comes into mind). Then imagine that an enemy or someone that has done you wrong is in front of you. Visualize all of his or her negative, angry feelings as smoke billowing around you but not choking or hurting you. Visualize sending him or her good will and kindness as glowing light. Imagine the person surrounded by beautiful light. Believe it or not, your perception of this person will change over time. More importantly, you will feel better. I guess it is somewhat akin to praying for your enemies that is talked about in the Bible.

As I did my run today, I felt good. I have been doing this meditation as well as praying for “My friends, my enemies” for about 3 days now and I felt lighter of heart and happier overall. Funny, I actually ran further than normal and didn’t kill myself doing it.

Have a good one everyone!

More Brother Stuff

Some caring people have asked me how I have handled the situation with my brother; well, trust me on this – I have given this a whole thing a bunch of thought and consideration over the years. Having a bachelor’s degree in Speech Communications and a minor in Conflict Resolution, I thought at first I should be able to handle this thing easy. But, none of the usual techniques worked. I tried to understand things from “his perspective”, but that was hard – too hard. It was beyond my imagination to see through his hating eyes. I tried to go through our parents, mutual friends and through my sister to find out what his problem is; he wouldn’t talk to me and when he did it was to tell me to “Fuck off!” So I stopped trying to talk to him and I backed off to give him space. On his Birthdays I would send a card and sign it, “Love Your Brother,….”. Same with Christmas and his Anniversary – Nothing. Finally I stopped that too. Always I prayed that something would make things right between us, but it never did.
One of the things he thought that I owed him was an apology. What?? I’m sorry I’m gay? Like I woke up one morning and said to myself, “I want to start having sex with guys!” “I want to embarrass my brother to the point that he won’t talk to me for like five years or so!” Yeah right! Apologize my ass!! I like who I am and I enjoy being gay. Sure it has its difficulties sometimes, but I think I am a good man, love deeply and passionately; I am loyal and support my friends. I served my country in the military and even got awarded and an honorable discharge. What do I have to apologize for?
But then I got diagnosed with the brain tumor thingy. The night before the surgery where they were going to cut my scalp open with a Ginsu knife and then drill into my skull with a Makita Hole Saw and scoop some goop out, I couldn’t sleep – go figure. So I stayed up all night and wrote the “Just-in-case” letters to some friends and family. The one I wrote to my brother I told him that I loved him and that I forgave him. I also told him I would not ever apologize for who I am; I also reminded him that he was my brother and always will be and the door was always open for him if he should choose to let this thing of his go. That was almost two years ago. Not a word has been shared between us. We live in different states and that facilitates our “relationship” nicely.
I know I have written a lot of sad stuff over my last couple of blogs. These are things that are happening in my life, but that doesn’t mean it is my life. Despite the crap I have described, I am very happy and content. I date, play in a band, have a good time. I think the hardships I have gone through and am going through are making me a better person. I hope to write some happier stuff soon. This weekend I will be going to the Redwoods for the weekend with friends which should be great!
So, thanks for listening – love you all.

Family, Support and Friends

When I just recently started blogging, I had no idea how much support I would get in the few very welcome comments and even in some e-mails I have recieved. People like Boys Are Ugly But So Cute, Ryan Field and everbody at !!!One Love!!!, Daze Gone Bi and Sethboyardee and so many others that inspire and support I could go on forever to mention them all.

So some know that I had a few issues with my Dad and my homosexuality. I have also talked about Mom and how supportive she is. I have read from many how they have lost friends and such as they either came out or were outed in possibly a public way. I simpathise with all of them. Even though I still talk, laugh and have a good relationship with my Dad despite our "Dont ask, don't tell" unsaid policy regarding my sex life, my older and only brother is a completely different story.

My brother hasn't talked to me in about three years. He feels I am an embarassement to the family. His wife thinks I am the devil or something all though I really could give a shit how she feels. Still it hurts with the brother thing.

Some of you may have read, I have cancer - its all cool, you really can't tell by looking at me. I run and work out almost every day, (Gotta look good if I ever get invited to one of Ryan's nudist parties! - Jk) and stay very healthy in order to give myself that fighting chance. But my brother has cancer too - but his is what they call a metastisizing cancer, so it can spead to other parts of his body (mine wont) and it has. There is a very good chance that he may pass and we will have never worked things out.

I don't even know what his issue is! Growing up, I always looked up to him and thought him pretty much open minded, but I was wrong. He still lives in California, 10 miles away from where he was born and the limit of his world travels is to go riding in Glamis. What confuses me the most is that it wasn't this way in the beginning when he first found out. It seemed to slowly grow and fester in his own mind. I still shake my head at the whole thing. It wasn't like I was showing up at his house with a guy in my arms and making out on his couch. In fact, he never saw me with anyone in that regard. The only thing I can think of is that maybe one of his friends gave him shit and he bit into it and thus exposing his own weakness of mind, "to have to be accepted" by others. I guess with his friends having a gay brother is just not cool enough. I guess he would rather sacrafice family than loose a so-called-friend. I just don't know.

I've been told, "pray for him". Okay, okay. I've been told, "Just let it go - he'll come around". I have been told many things, but my fear is he will die and nothing I do will bring us together at least in some small way - even if it is just to say hello.

Needless to say, this has been a big stressor for the family. Lucky for me, believe it or not, Dad is supporting me - Go Dad! Mom also supports me and has trouble thinking that her oldest son would behave like this. We are all clueless I guess.

For me, I have forgiven him and moved forward. We live in different states so it isn't like we are running into each other, but basically I figure I have to worry about my own live and deal with the day to day stuff we all have to deal with. So yeah, to all those that support - thanks! To all those that have it bad, I understand and I can tell you that although the road gets bumpy, it is worth it in the end. Somewhere in the middle of it all we find ourselves and we find those that really matter and care. Hang tough!

Dad had Issues

Growing up gay in my house was difficult. Like I had said before, Mom knew pretty much early on and it didn’t bother her a bit. Dad, as I think I mentioned has had quite a bit more of a problem with it; to the point of complete denial. In all other ways he has been a better Dad than anyone could ever be blessed to have. It is in this one area that he drops the ball. But, before I go on let me first say, I love my Dad very much and knowing what I know now, I forgive him for his sometimes cruel words, harsh comments and prejudice attitude towards homosexuals in general – however, it still hurts sometimes.

You see, my Dad grew up on the coast of North Carolina and lived right on the beach. He was a beautiful blond haired, blue eyed boy that was also quite well off and often was left to do whatever he wanted to do. We don’t know for sure, but often in his story tellin’ of when he was a kid, he would allude to being hit on by “queers” at a very early age. By the age 12 and 13, he was hitchhiking all over the area and he would often tell of strange men touching on him and how he would jump out of the car and run. Then, to top it off, he got sent off to an all-boy’s military school, (we all know what those can be like I am sure). He doesn’t talk much about that, but we know it was a dark and lonely time for him. Anyway, to sum it up, with what we can figure, something traumatic must have occurred to him – maybe even more than once, making him very bitter and sensitive in some aspects.

For me, knowing I was gay (once I figured it out) and knowing my Dad hated all things gay – using words like faggot, fudge-packers, cock-suckers and so on, I learned real quick to have girl friends from time to time, do all the manly sports to make him proud and most of all, hide my secret well. I did pretty good for a while.

I think I was like 13; an issue came up with me and the boy down the street. His Mom had a suspicion that he and I were fooling around and of course it then came to the attention of my parents. Mom was cool with it; didn’t all kids do some stuff like that? But Dad went into a rage. Of course I denied everything and to this day I remember his words that still cut me to the core and tear at the compassion and love I hold so dear for him. He said; “Son, if I thought you were gay, I just as soon wished you were dead.” I was stunned, shocked and damned close to giving him his wish.

I have only told that to about 2 or 3 people. I know there are all the “should haves” and could haves”, but I chose to climb into the closet, cry, be ashamed and not understand. I didn’t know then what I know now. Something really bad must have happened to him and he never got healed.

To this day, he still asks when I am going to get a girlfriend. I still never answer. Maybe I am a coward with him, maybe I love him to much to force him to face his own demons, I don’t know. Maybe I know it is a battle that I will never win with him so we might as well meet on the common ground so we can be happy. I think he knows, but just doesn’t want to admit his boy is a “queer”. “What would the neighbors think??” Yeah, what would they think? Not much I sure, because their son was gay too!